When is a relationship “codependent?”
Codependency in a relationship can lead to anxiety, depression, resentment, jealousy, and a bunch of other problems. Here are some signs that a relationship is codependent, and steps to make changes toward a positive relationship.
“Codependency” is a word that gets thrown around a lot, though it is often used incorrectly. Before we identify what codependency is, here are some things it is not:
Needing attention from your partner - This is a basic need in any relationship. We pay attention to what is important to us. If a partner is neglecting the relationship, that can signal other problems that need to be addressed, but codependency is not necessarily one of them.
A couple spending a lot of time together - Sometimes partners just really, really enjoy their time together. Some couples work well together, whether it’s at their shared job, errands, housework, or hobbies. Spending a lot of time together does not mean a couple is codependent.
Asking for reassurance, validation, or love from your partner - Again, these are basic needs in a relationship. True partners want to build each other up and support each other, and wanting that from your partner does not mean you are codependent.
Now that we have looked at what codependency is not, let’s define what it is. At it’s core, codependency is when partners need the other person to feel “complete” or “whole,” because they do not access their own sense of self-worth. It is the reliance on partners for self-esteem, self-worth, value, affirmation, and purpose. These are all important needs for human beings, but problems arise when they are reliant on others instead of cultivating them within ourselves. This can lead to problems like trying to “fix” people, perfectionism, judgment, obsession about the other’s behavior, jealousy, and fear of abandonment. Codependency means that partners must remain “stuck” in poor or destructive patterns for the relationship to continue. While they may cause a lot of problems, the couple somehow gains a connection from them that makes these patterns really hard to break. These patterns are often cyclical. One partner may have an intense fear of abandonment, which leads to jealousy, accusations of infidelity, or monitoring of their partner’s activity. The other partner my feel inadequate, so they spend a lot of their time trying to “prove” to their partner that they are staying faithful, giving in to unreasonable or unhealthy requests, and feeling resentful when their attempts do not work. Both partners are attempting to meet their legitimate needs through each other because they feel insecure, but the needs are met through destructive behavior on both of their parts. The partners have learned that these behaviors do grant them attention or validation of some kind, but they are still unfulfilled in the relationship.
“At it’s core, codependency means that partners must remain “stuck” in poor or destructive patterns for the relationship to continue.”
Codependency often results in accepting a partner’s poor behavior because we want them to accept us, despite our own poor behavior. This is not about having “grace” for another person, “unconditional love,” or forgiving a wrongdoing. It is the habitual tolerance of a partner’s lack of change and growth so that we do not have to change, either. Relationships are like ecosystems; they rely on a delicate balance in order to function. When partners rely on each other to feel “loveable,” discovery of and advocacy for self-worth by one partner threatens the balance of the relationship because they do not depend on the other partner’s validation or attention to feel worthy of it. In a codependent relationship, if one partner begins to grow and change, it throws the ecosystem of their relationship off and causes conflict. Partners in codependency may, at times, feel secure when they are with their partner, but there is always the threat of another blowup if one partner shifts the ecosystem. This means partners will often walk on eggshells, avoiding sharing their true thoughts and feelings to prevent conflict. Inevitably these thoughts and feelings will come out, and it can be pretty brutal.
What does healing from codependency look like?
Codependency works on the same areas of the brain as addiction. We need the neurotransmitters we gain from intimacy, and intense interactions like those in codependent relationships dump lots of neurotransmitters into our brains. This makes it hard to break the cycle, but there is hope.
First, you must acknowledge you are in a codependent relationship. While it is possible that only one partner is dependent, more often than not it is a cycle between partners that keeps a relationship stuck. If you want freedom from codependency, you must own your part of the problem.
Get skilled, professional help. Relationships can, and often do, heal from codependency. However, the cycle that keeps you stuck needs an outside perspective to call it out and give you new tools to break it.
Practice setting boundaries with each other. Boundaries are how we say “I love you, and I love me, too.” They can look like “if you accuse me of cheating again, I will end the conversation and we can continue with a counselor.” Boundaries don’t have to close the door to a relationship right away, they explain what you will and will not tolerate. Boundaries can feel intimidating, especially if the partners have “loved” each other by tolerating poor behavior. However, boundaries establish safety for both parties in a relationship. When boundaries are set and enforced, partners have to learn new, creative ways to gain the attention and love they need in positive ways.
Start to ask yourself what you are interested in, what your true thoughts are, and what your needs are. Then begin to share them with each other, even if they might make the other person bristle. When your partner shares their thoughts with you, become curious about them. You both are unique individuals, so asking questions will deepen connections, while dismissiveness or defensiveness puts walls up between you. Begin to learn about the person in front of you, how you are truly alike, and how you are different.
Get outside support. Find people who are willing to care enough about you to be honest, both about your partner’s behavior and yours. This isn’t about another person telling you that you are amazing and “filling you up,” which will just lead to more codependency problems in your outside relationships. True support helps you objectively assess what is going on in the relationship and come up with solutions that encourage your growth.
Recognize and have compassion for the times when you slip up (and you will!). Codependency works like an addiction. When we are stressed, sad, angry, or lonely, our brains beg us for connection, no matter what the cost is. Learn to be mindful about moments when you are relying on your partner for your self-worth, and accept it as an opportunity to grow.
Understand that growth might end the relationship. Sometimes when people grow, they realize they are not a good fit once they start to be honest with each other. As painful as it can be to end a relationship, recognize that this can be a signal of growth and make room for someone who will be a better match with who you truly are, instead of who you were trying to be for your partner.
Partners in healthy relationships recognize their value in the world. They become partners with each other, working to encourage each other and find their purpose and place. Unhealthy partners want to be their partner’s purpose. There is a big difference between saying “I need you, so I will do what ever it takes,” and “I have what it takes, and I want to be with you.” If you believe you are in a codependent relationship and want help, visit CoDA.org or reach out to a counselor.
“ There is a big difference between saying ‘I need you, so I will do what ever it takes,’ and ‘I have what it takes, and I want to be with you.’”
